Today is an adventure

Try seeing your life this very day as a journey and as an adventure.

Where are you going?
What are you seeking?
Where are you now?
What stage of the journey have you come to?
If your life were a book, what would you call it today?
What would you entitle the chapter you are in right now?
Are you stuck here in certain ways?
Can you be fully open to all of the energies at your disposal at this point?
Note that this journey is uniquely yours. No one else's.
So the path has to be your own.

--Exerpt from Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Developing awareness is one of the most challenging aspects of mindfulness. We are always aware of people that we perceive as "better" than ourselves. People with nicer cars, people with better organizational skills and matching accessories. It's so easy to feel jealousy for the things that we don't have. We constantly judge ourselves as unworthy. Visions of good and bad, better and best haunt our daily lives. We pay attention to the needs of others. We pay attention to the silent needs of daily living: the need to wash the dishes and take out the trash. We pay attention to the speed limit, the parking time limits, the traffic lights, the memos, the emails, and the unwritten rules. And we ignore ourselves. We ignore the inner fires that drive us as they burn down into ashes. We ignore the internal alarm clock telling us to wake up and enjoy this moment.

So, how can we re-develop our awareness, motivation, and our internal fires? It's not easy. I'm struggling to answer the questions posed above. In fact, it would be easier to have someone else answer them for me. Then I could judge their answers as right or wrong. Close or far away. But that would defeat the purpose of the exercise--there is no internal growth our nourishment when you let other people do what is rightfully your own task. You could say that I'm going down the line but I'm sitting on the sidelines today--I'm resting and thinking, storing up some strength. You could say that I'm seeking trust and intimacy. But right now, I feel stuck and I feel afraid of the unknowns. What if my plans don't work out? What if I run out of money and end up living in a van down by the river? What if everything works out how I want it to, but I'm still unhappy with the outcome?

I'm in the chaotic state of my journey. This is the place where I want deny the powerful forces that threw me into chaos in the first place. Unfortunately, denial is not an option, and there is no turning around. I do feel stuck in it, and I know for certain that I'm not using all the energies at my disposal. I guess my challenge is to make peace with the way my adventure is unfolding right now.

That's where I am. I'm still having trouble seeing my current situation as an adventure. I feel like the adventure is out there, but its not in me right now.